Welcome to our shelter, Men. Welcome to a sanctuary where it's OK to be male. Where there are no doilies, no place mats. Welcome to a world where the cigar is the official smoke. Welcome to where nobody's gonna bitchatcha. Where you can sit on your fat fanny and watch football on television as much as you like. Or drink beer, swear, fart, tell dirty jokes. Welcome to a place where you don't have to be ashamed to admit that you're a man, gosh darn it, and you need some alcohol therapy. INTRODUCTION The Men's Crisis Center as conceived in 1987 by Doodoo Wah's Ron DeLacy and the late Jim Evans. It has never amounted to much, and it identifies with men in the same position. We think men need to quit apologizing for being men. There are things about us that, OK, we aren't none of us is perfect, but that's the way the cookie bounces and there's no use crying under the bridge. So come on in, Men. And you women, get on out of here. You just keep on surfin' somewhere else. Or better yet, get on back there into the kitchen. OK, they're gone, Boys. Go ahead and rest easy now. Everything's going to be OK. We understand. And don't you worry -- if the little woman comes lookin', we'll tell her you ain't here. Then again, actually, there isn't any "here." The Men's Crisis Center is wherever you want it to be. If you find a hideaway that seems to work, you can simply declare it the Men's Crisis Center. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION Q: OK, OK, you sleazebags, what are you trying to sell? A: T-Shirts. Really nice ones, and they never need washing. Want one? Click here. OUR MISSION POSITION The Men's Crisis Center shall be forever dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal and not as bad as the feminist man-bashers think, and we should hang together, so to speak, and we shall endeavor to pursue happiness and lightenment, and we shall do whatever else we want to as long as we aren't hurting nobody but ourselves, and besides, we like cigars. CHAPTERS AROUND THE WORLD Well, there's one in Columbia, California, and another one in Twain Harte, California, up at Ed's, and one more in Juneau, Alaska. And if you want to start another one, go for it. Just let us know, so we can get the paperwork ready and teach you The Official Secret Men's Crisis Center Handshake. Here at the Men's Crisis Center we don't claim to have a monopoly, nor even a grip, on just about anything. So here are some other groups' and people's web sites you might want to look at:
On Men's Issues and like that: · Backlash Dot Com Tons of thought-provoking material like "When the Bully Is a Babe" and profound quotes like "Men will take no for an answer when men who take no for an answer get laid."
· Men Against Sexist Hypocrisy (M.A.S.H.) An organization and reader forum designed, writes the editor, "to try and understand, cope with, and unravel one of the great mysteries of American Society as we enter the 21st Century: The neutering of the American male in conjunction with the ever-growing UN-Equal Women's Rights Movement." M.A.S.H. calls our attention to various iniquities, including the fact that women golfers get to tee off up the fairway from the men.
· Weekly World News This best and funniest of the tabloids often offers stories of interest to gentlemen. A recent cover story was headlined, "World's Fattest Man Weds Sexy Blonde Accountant"
· Women Are From Bras Men Are From Penus "Penusians experience fulfillment through success and accomplishment, such as spelling their name in the snow while peeing, or peeking under a woman's skirt without getting caught."
· Bald Guys R Us Regular features include "Hair Horror Stories" and "Ask the Bald Guy."
· The Guy Code "There's more to men," this site haughtily proclaims, "than staring at hooters." Here you will find information and entertainment on men's stuff -- and even some advice from the opposite sex in, honest to God, "The Chix Corner."
· I Hate Men Dot Com Know thine enemy.
· Men Haters of America See above.
· Heartless Bitches International They have a cool T-shirt, a Sappy Site of the Week, and if you want to, Honey, you can sign up for your email account with yourname@heartless-bitches.com. Yeow.
Other · The Worst of the Web This is from About.Com, a wonderful Internet springboard that features all the best stuff, including this directory to the worst.
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THE OFFICIAL SECRET MEN'S CRISIS CENTER HANDSHAKE 1. Stand erect, legs comfortably bent, arms hanging at your side. 2. Lift right hand to chest level and cup fingers, as though holding a skinny beer can. 3. Keeping elbow in place, raise hand 2 inches, then lower it back to belly level. 4. Repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat.
A GALLERY
That's Judge Jim, our Alaska chapter coordinator, in the lower left. And in the lower right that there is Peter Wernick, a world class banjo player. At upper left is author Mark Osmun. We ain't naming everybody.
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